Rob’s Ramblings

Another trip home to Missouri this last weekend and it gets easier / harder each trip. I’m so incredibly lucky in finding my GF Linda and she means the world to me in every way. Additionally I get the privilege of being “dad” to her wonderful daughter Amanda…AKA turtle…. they have been a part of my life for almost 1 year and lived with me for a little over 5 months. I can not imagine life without them both.

Things have returned to normal after a serious scare when Linda got sick and was in the hospital for 5 days. Times like that not only make you appreciate what you have in life but how quickly it can be taken away. When we go to my parents I find so much joy being home, surrounded by my family that is so far away. At the same time it is so hard to see the changes in my father. Each trip I see him weaker, quieter and just less himself. It is so hard to see the man that was always so alive vibrant and active become this changed man. He was the first to crack a joke or pick on someone.

I was loading stuff in the truck to take home, dad came out on the porch, his first words were “I would of helped you load that bench… I know its heavy”. Knowing my dad wants to help but can’t because of lack of strength and without risking injury, etc. I responded with “no biggy dad…. you know I have always been strong” and it broke my heart to hear him say “I wish I was….wish I could have some of yours”. I would give up almost anything to have my father back… to just be able to have the conversations we used to have and do the things we used to do.

It was my plan to get season tickets to the Razorbacks this year and take my father to as many games as I could. This weekend I realized that wasn’t realistic and he may not even want to go. Some of my best memories are of me and my father talking in the truck. He was never a person to share to much feelings but would seem to share more on those drives in the truck. Now when we drive anywhere and he sits quietly not speaking and if you talk to him you can see him get nervous or confused because to much is going on around him. Those days are gone and I just hope he doesn’t realize how much he has changed.

I am totally in Awe of my mother, she shows a level of energy and strength that is amazing. There are many people I know half her age and with half of her strength. She never stops moving and is constantly doing something. Its inspiring to see and we are so lucky she has this strength. I just hope I can help her enough when I’m home….. each trip brings such great joys and I just wish I wasn’t so far away.

Life is just not fair in many ways and each day I wonder what will happen next…..